Confession of the day: I am a coward.
Yep, it’s true. I fear many bizarre and small things in my life, including telephones and talking to people I don’t know. Considering that I’ve chosen a job which glues me to a phone and requires me to walk into jails, hospitals, and private homes, where I converse with cops and corrections officers, inmates, doctors, nurses, and people from every possible walk of life, you might think I’d learned to confront all of my fears and that I practice the Art of Courage.
You would be wrong – at least when it comes to writing.
Here I am, at the brink of completing this draft of Swimming North. I’ve been wobbling on this brink for two days now. In fact, I’m considering ordering in a lawn chair, a good book, and a case of beer. Maybe I could just sit here until I die. The view isn’t half bad, and I have my memories of the trip to sustain me. Of course, it’s an uncomfortable location in which to spend the rest of my life; rather precarious – a strong wind or a misplaced lawn chair leg could send me hurtling into the depths.
I can’t go backward; it’s too late for that. And if I move forward, one of two things is going to happen: I’m either going to discover that I have wings, or I’m going to crash on the rocks below. They are jagged, pointy rocks. I’ve survived that crash once or twice, but vital things were broken and I really don’t care to do it again. I dream that maybe I’ve earned my wings this time, but I’m not certain, and as long as I hesitate here, on the edge of life as I know it, I can dream and imagine and avoid reality.
Okay. It’s a metaphor, and it’s over dramatic. Failure isn’t going to kill me. The bald facts are these: I’ve written almost to the end of Swimming North, The Fourth Re-write. And once I finish it, it will be time to look back over the manuscript and ask myself those very difficult questions. Will it work this time? Can I consider it the last of the rewrites and move on to the relative simplicity of revision and editing? Or have I failed, again, in even coming close to writing what I set out to do? If I’ve failed at that, have I succeeded in writing something else that is worth a damn? I tell myself that I will NOT rewrite this manuscript one more time, but my entire genetic code refuses to let me walk away.
What genetic code is that, you ask? The Norwegian Viking Code, that’s what. Viking warriors were shamed if they survived and their leader died. They fought until the bitter end, preferring death on the battle field to the life of shame they would lead if –
There I go again into the melodrama. And while blogging is a Worthy and Important Activity, it is also a Means of Procrastination and Delay. I am off to take the plunge and see what happens. If I don’t come back – send all the King’s horses, and all the King’s men. I might just be in need of them.
4 comments
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March 5, 2010 at 10:10 am
Andy Brokaw
Sympathies. I’ve bee trapped by fear too, revising things for years so I don’t have to send them out to be rejected. And now I’ve spent over a week staring at a handful of pages in a new book, scared to move on because what if once I really get into the story it doesn’t work? Writing takes a lot more courage than most people know.
March 6, 2010 at 10:42 am
Robert W. Leonard
I just broke out of this. Do you know what it was for me? Finding something that I could truly look at as fun, all the joy was gone for a bit. I did the agent submission thing (to 5 agents) and they all said no, or said nothing. I got real down, I knew everybody gets dozens of rejections, it was nothing new, but it still sucks. And worse, I felt like the story wasn’t working (they said the same) and couldn’t really understand why.
Then I got one final rejection who pointed it out to me clear as day. It wasn’t about the characters, it was about the story. She made me look at the book in a completely different way and I’m loving it. I’ve started plotting the rewrite that I think will make it as good of book as I can write.
You could try that, send it off to a few “safe” agents (not your top picks, but ones you like). Get some professional feedback and see where to go from there. Hey, it apparently worked for me!
Good luck finding your way out of the writer bogs!
March 7, 2010 at 11:20 am
uppington
Robert – I would never think of submitting to an agent until the book is already as goo as I can make it. I’ve got people to give me good critiques. I’m glad you figured out what your story needs – good luck with the ongoing writing!
March 7, 2010 at 11:21 am
uppington
Andy – I know well that the only way past that is to just write. And then write something else.